When I was first learning to drive I was so conscious of everything I did. I was aware of everything around me – how close I was to the car in front of me, how fast the car speeding in the opposite direction was going, the gap between my car and the lane lines and how easily I could accidently drift over them. I paid attention to everything I did and was super focused on driving and the road and on that alone.
Now, I find myself driving so automatically. I am not even aware of the slight turn of the wheel, adjusting to the road, or of flicking the turn signal on and off, even though I am the one controlling it. I find myself arriving home with no memory of how I got there. I go miles and miles without realizing how much time and space is passing and I don’t even remember what I saw on the way. It’s so easy and so habitual, I don’t have to think about doing it or not – I just do.
Is that what lying is like? At first are you superhumanly aware of what you are doing? Do you trace what you said and who you said it to so that you can be sure to keep your story straight? Are you constantly afraid that you will be caught crossing the line, that you will make a mistake and ruin everything?
Does it become easier over time? Do you slip into a routine, a habit and before you realize it…you don’t even know when you are lying. You don’t even know what you have told people or what you have said? You find yourself arriving at destinations unplanned for and unknown and you are unsure how you ended up there or what brought you there? Does it spiral out of control, like speeding when you’re on an empty road when you’re aching to get away? Do you find it difficult to separate fact from fiction? Can you even distinguish your lies anymore?
Do you even know how to get home? Do you even want to?